A Dollar for Your Thoughts

“If money go before, all ways do lie open.”

The Merry Wives of Windsor , II,2; Falstaff to Ford

              Have you ever gotten a letter like this:

“Dear Pathetically Overworked Person,

Our records indicate that we issued a refund check to you more than 360 days ago and the check is still outstanding. The payment details are below.

Payment date: 02/23/23

Check Number: XXXXX

Payment Amount: $1.00

This is a reminder to cash your check.

If the check has been lost or destroyed, please contact us.

Sincerely,

Pathetically Efficient Company”

     I have. If you have, and are too overworked and tired to lash out, as I was,  I offer you the following template that you might lash out more efficiently. (Note: I have now received this same letter six times!!!):

“Pathetically Inefficient Company                                                                              P.O. Box Unreachable                                                                                                Bureaucratic Cloud, Brazil 19170

Re: Missing Refund Check

Dear Madam, Sir, or Letter-Generating AI Robot:

I want to thank your computer system/AI accountant for diligently reminding me to cash check number XXXXX more than six times since February of 2023. It is this kind of attention to detail that will surely get our great nation back on the firm footing it once held in the global community. I regret to report that, while I aim for the same high fiscal standard, I have misplaced this check, I fear, irreversibly. I must be doing financially well indeed to not notice a $1.00 check missing for over a year! Especially considering the price of groceries these days. If I had diligently cashed that check, I might have been able to afford wo seconds in a hospital, or 1/6th of a cup of coffee. Alas, this is not the case, and I will always be a day late and, literally, a dollar short.

No need to reissue this check. I feel that the loss of precious resources will teach me a painful lesson that will serve me well the next time a $1.00 windfall comes my way. Instead, please issue a check for the funds owed to me to the charity of your choosing, someplace where these funds will uplift lives forever, ad infinitum, amen.

Sincerely (sort of),

Donald Capparella”

They will keep sending me my refund check letter, I am sure, in their efforts to…do something. I will try to stop wasting stamps by writing them back.